You might need a helmet, cuz I'm gonna blow ya mind!

Hey sister, go sister, soul sister...

Currently Watching Lady in the Water (Widescreen Edition) By Paul Giamatti, Jeffrey Wright see related

New Years Resolution: Stop Being Emo...

Good lord, I haven't updated in a while.  I actually almost finished a xanga shortly after christmas, but mom walked up and started nosing around, so I had to close out of it and lose everything I had written ;_;  Mom never seemed to trust me, she's always been paranoid that she'd find me smoking marijuana or something.  I mean, she doesn't even have the decency to knock on my door before coming in, she just barges in. 

Anyways, so I've been listening to a lot of new music.  As you can recognize from the background music, The Fray's How to Save a Life has been on my top picks.  I love this song, and I'd really like to sing it for Warrior Idol, but when I stuck it through the karaoke maker program I downloaded, it didn't dampen the main vocals enough, so you could still hear them.  And then my original choice, You Raise Me Up, was waaaaaay too high on one part, and I didn't want to make an ass of myself on stage, so I'm going with 2 other Josh Groban songs, Broken Vows, and My December (Originally done by Linkin Park, so I'm gonna say they're the artist, even though it's Josh Groban's version).  I'm so nervous about Warrior Idol, I'm really not ready for it.  I picked my songs last night for pete's sake! 

But another music phase I've been going through was Josh Groban, who has become an instant favorite of mine.  He could be my role model, cuz I never actually had one when I was a kid (I hate teachers who're just like "Who's your role model?"  We don't know, we don't even know what we want to do w/ our lives, so stop asking!).  But he has an amazing voice, he probly makes like a billion dollars, plus he wanted to be in musical theatre.  Dunno if he is, but if I could turn out like him, I would be v. v. happy. 

So Christmas went by smoothly.  Christmas Eve, everyone got together for the infamous family get-together, and I was bored outta my mind, as usual.  My stripper cousin, Jason, dressed up as Santa, like he did last year, and it's pretty much if you're parents hand him a gift, you get to go sit on his lap.  Well, mom's gives him crappy gifts to give us, but we love her for it cuz it's the thought that counts I guess.  But we gotta embaress ourselves by sitting on the drunken santa's lap and listen as he makes crude jokes about us just for a few cheap laughs from the rest of my drunken relatives.  This year, when I sat on his knee, he's like "Sheesh Andy, you're gonna give me anthrax!"  Yep, definite sign he's drunk.

Dad stayed out til about 12:00, which was horrible, cuz it's tradition on Christmas to go to bed early, even though by now, everyone knows we don't believe in santa.  Laura makes a big deal out of it, I think she's paranoid that people will belittle her and expect her to believe, thus associating her with a little girl.  But I really do think a lot of this stuff is mom's fault, cuz she always treats us like little babies, and the only time she treats us maturely is when we're fighting.  And that's when she acts like a childish bitch.  You see, mom's awkward to get along with, only because you can tell she likes fighting, she does so many awkward things with you, treats you immaturely, and is essentially a psycho, but then there are moments when she'll go out and grab a candybar, or a present or something, and you have to be grateful.  Even if it's something that I don't like, which she oftentimes gets, I have to put on the whole act of saying "Oh, it looks so good" and then pretend like I accidentally forgot about it.  I really think if she had the choice, we would all remain 5 years old our entire lives (we meaning me and my sisters.)

Christmas itself though was good.  I had gotten gifts for my b-day, now christmas, so I've got plenty of stuff.  I got a Nintendo DS, iPod player thingamajig, and other things which you probly don't want to hear about.  I spent pretty much the rest of christmas vacation playing FFXII on my PS2, and quitting after I got through a really hard fight only to die by some minor enemy during the escape.  It angered me, so I moved to Maple Story, which I had seen Ashley play on New Years.  It turned out to be a pointless game where you just kill stuff and level up.  Now I'm back to my online game, FFXI.  I'd like to quit it and start World of Warcraft, cuz I've heard so many good things about it, but with college coming on, idk if I'd have the time to devote to it.  Maybe a year or so after I've started college. 

As for college, in case you didn't know, I'm going to SLU to major in musical theatre and minor in advertising.  At SLU, I can go completely free thanks to mom's discount for working there.  However, her and dad want to pay for my room and board, which while I do like, I don't like it since I'm getting absolutely no worth of money whatsoever.  If this keeps on, I fear I may end up relying on my parents too much, and if worse comes to worse, end up living with my parents when I'm 30 and still playing mmorpg's.  I plan on staying in dorms at SLU, partly because everyone's said I need to just for experience, partly to get away from home and actually be independant.  However, mom wants me to drive home every weekend, plus she wants to surprise me once a week by eating lunch with me.  I promptly said no to the lunch thing and agreed to most weekends.  She tried to guilt me into agreeing w/ her, but I ignored it, and now I get my way.  I'm tired of being treated like a little kid by her.

New Years was....odd.  It pretty much started out as me, Sam, Ashley, Dan, Christina, her friend, Ben, and Heather.  Dan was on the couch playing guitar hero, and when I watched, I felt like a loser cuz I didn't know half the songs.  I've never really listened to heavy rock stuff.  We talked for a while, played a little Mario Party.  I love playing Mario Party, and I'm really good at it.  One of the people I played against was Dan, who turned out to be a rather sore loser.  I knew his older brother was sorta a d-bag, but I didn't really expect Dan to be that way.  After a while, he gave me angry looks and wouldn't talk to me.  If he beat me, he'd shout out and try to rub it in my face.  I was just like w/e.

Then Janee and Kelly came.  After a few more guitar heros (Mostly watching Ashley and Dan play), they decided to play Mario Karts.  By now, Janee and Dan had been practically having sex with each other for a few hours, and I was sick of it.  Every five seconds, they would say "We're so bff's" and anytime anything happened, and I mean anything, they would turn to the other and say "Omg, look at this."  I got soooooo tired of it, but watched anyway (it was constantly Ben and Heather vs. Janee and Dan).  Janee and Dan always made first, while poor Ben and Heather were in last a lot.  But still Janee and Dan would throw stuff at them and rub it heavily in their face.  And it wasn't like playful make fun, it was like ####### make fun.  The whole time, I just watched Ashley play Maple Story.

We tried out improv, but it didn't go so well, so we stopped.  I played Mario Party again against Heather, Janee, and Dan.  Janee and Dan of course teamed up and started strategizing against me and Heather, but still I put up a good fight, and it kept making them angry.  Janee threw my controller, I unplugged hers.  Sam was like "Ok, calm down", Janee threw a fit, Dan joined in w/ her, so it became me and Sam vs. Janee and Dan.  Eventually, Sam just turned off the gamecube and everyone seemed to calm down.  The whole while, I believed we should let out frustration playing Super Smash Bros., but Janee insisted on playing Mario Party, so Dan sided w/ her.  Everyone else wanted to play Guitar Hero @_@. 

When the actual New Year hit (between Mario Karts and improv), it wasn't anything big.  We drank sparkling grape juice, toasted, etc.  The usual.  That night, we all lay in the darkness while Janee and Dan said over and over "We're so bff's", which was rather ironic because during the whole gaming period, they went between phases of being bff's to fighting w/ each other.  So that kept us up for a good hour, until 6 in the morning, when we finally got some sleep.  They discussed breakfast the next day, going to ihop, and I wasn't about to spend much more time watching Dan and Janee having sex w/ each other, so I left around 12.  Driving home was hell, since I was half asleep and didn't know the area.  I made it home eventually though.

2 days later, school began.  The first day, Mr. Christ had handed us a nice long studysheet for the test we would be having next thursday, we got started on a brand new chapter in psychology (but we never really learn much in there anyway).  I dropped outta Calc (Woo!) to get a study hall in Schwalbe's room, which is freezing.  But had I stayed in calc, I would have had a take home exam due today (friday).  Frau's been pressing on us on reading these annoying german books, which I know will take me forever to read and even longer to type out the freakin report in german.  And she's really not giving us any classtime, which sucks.  Barnard's been having us read short, "sparkly" essays written by random people we've never heard of, and she wants us to write our own "sparkly" sentences.  That's actually kinda fun, but then when she turns it into grammar, she wants us to take out adverbs.  So a perfectly good sentance like "While the man was working on the car, the phone rang." to "The phone rang during the course of which the car was being worked on by the man."  Uhm, the first sentance was perfectly fine, why did we need to change it?  And then we find examples of "bad grammar" in all these novels we read, and she says "Oh, well there great authors, so they can do that."  That's bullcrap.  And then over the past few years, I hate how English teachers randomly, for just one day, give you a big book, and say "do it, look it up in the book."  I always do horribly on that.

Choir is alright, but she's spent the first few days just talking (first day she wasn't even there).  We're supposed to sing Seasons of Love, and we got Il Vito today, but we have yet to even try singing either one, which bugs me, cuz they're both good songs and I want to sing em.  Mrs. Deak's been freaking out over Warrior Idol, and after that she'll be freaking out over districts/state, then Cleveland after that.  She's always freaking out about something.  Newspaper is, well, newspaper.  Mr. Davis hasn't really become any wiser, but he's a good guy.  Josh Schisler is in the class now, which is good, cuz I have someone to talk to outside of Hedy. 

I leave for the state choir thing on the 24th, and I haven't even listened to my CD.  The first rehearsal is next sunday.  This is gonna blow, cuz rehearsals will be a few hours singing the same songs over and over, then when we actually get down to Tantera, it's gonna be full day rehearsals singing same songs over and over for 2 days.  Good lord.  And it's gonna be a case where Heather's gonna know everyone and I won't know anyone.  I may just want to kill myself. 

If you're read this far, give yourself a pat on the back, cuz good lord I wrote a lot.  But for now, that's pretty much it.  So peace!

Currently Watching The Brave Little Toaster By Jon Lovitz, Timothy Stack, Timothy E. Day, Thurl Ravenscroft, Deanna Oliver, Phil Hartman, Joe Ranft, Judy Toll, Wayne Kaatz, Colette Savage, Mindy Stern, Jim Jackman, Randall William Cook, Randy Bennett, Jonathan Benair, Louis Conti, Beth Anderson, Pat Ericson, Gary Falcone, Roger Freeland see related

Thanksgiving...

So yeah, I've recently had a Brave Little Toaster revival.  It really started out in Psych class when we had to answer a question: name one childhood fear you have overcome and tell how you think you overcame it.  Well, tbh, I really wasn't scared of much (save for the usual boogyman, etc.) until I was slightly older and began watching crap like Saw and whatnot (Yet, I'll admit it, I have many retarded fears.  But it's really not so much finding scary monsters now as finding scary child rapers).  But I remember one of the first fears originated from The Brave Little Toaster.  Do not be fooled by the name, that movie is cannibalistic and so ###### scary.  After that, I was terrified of sudden loud noises (the vacuum and a/c from movie did it and were both effed up).  That coupled w/ Watership Down (bunch of rabbits get rabies and kill each other) were the two major movies that scared me and fascinated movie.  So recently I get one of those cravings for horror movies, and I just begin thinking of Brave Little Toaster.  But of course neither Blockbuster nor Family Video have it...so yeah...

Well, it's thanksgiving, but I'll get to that eventually.  Just some stuff in common.  First off that whole "extreme emo" thing from last time was, as usual, a one-day thing.  A bad day coupled with my time of the month led to that, so yeah.  Next day Sam offered me a spot in the play (a ###### soldier though, come on!), which made me think, does he read this?  So yeah. 

Uhm, went to districts last week for choir.  I was supposed to get up at 6 and make the bus at 7, but my alarm clock is a piece of crap and didn't go off.  It was sheer luck that I woke up at 6:30, so I couldn't even take a shower >.>  I drive up to school, then realize I forgot my uniform...  Drive home, grab it, get on the bus, we leave.  We're halfway to this place when I realize I forgot black shoes, black socks, my bow tie, and cumberbun.  I was fine for cumberbun and black socks since people don't really see those, but the other two...  Anyway, practice was long and boring.  Like 8 hours.  The director was so awesome though, lol!  Seriously, he'd jump up in these weird positions to express what he wanted us to do.  I loved it!  Garry was beside me, and then some dork on my other side.  He attempted to communicate with me, but I stopped that immediately.  How dare he attempt to talk to me!  =P  Anywho, so I was with Garry, and he's a really great guy, but he whines about himself too much.  He wouldn't shut up about how he couldn't hit the really high notes, and I'm like "Yeah Garry, you're a guy, you're not really supposed to."  He continued though, so I was forced to listen.  The actual performance seemed less than the practice though.  It was like people came in, we went through songs once, and it was over, woo hoo.  Found out I made state though, woots!  Me along w/ Heather Fehl.  Of course Seckman had like 5 people in there (Boemlers >.>) and Heather knew all of them.  I just sat there politely and nodded.  Listen to the state music a few days ago, it's kinda crap.  I mean, it's hard and everything, but it's pretty much us muttering incomprehensible syllables, and a few have solos.  Good lord, this is gonna be boring.  And apparently the state trip up to the Ozarks will be 3 days, and every day will completely be practice.  I think I'll kill myself.  But apparently it's good for colleges and whatnot.  Hopefully it pays off in the long run.

I go to a voice teacher, Eric Henson, and after a while it's really more for his benefit than mine (despite the fact that I pay effin $15 a week for it), but I just can't say that I'm gonna quit.  And he does provide me with some good chances.  Like this January, he wants me to do some sort of competition where I sing 3 songs and he gets judged as a teacher.  This is despite the fact that 99.9% of the whole effort is purely my doing, and the other .1% is him bitching about some minor thing I'm doing.  If he gets money for it, I'd better get a good cut of it!  Also, I'm planning on singing You Raise Me Up for Warrior Idol, and he's been annoying me about it for weeks, so I brought it to him and sang it for him.  Then he said his church was doing the song and he needed a soloist.  So I'm getting paid $75 to go to 2 practices and the actual performance in church.  But hopefully I'm not forced to stay w/ him til I go off to college.

One-Acts are coming up.  I've talked already about this, but I'm so nervous about it.  It even disturbs my sleep.  See, on the weekends, I'll wake up kinda early cuz I'm used to it, but then I try to go back to bed.  It is these times I can't go back to sleep cuz for some reason I think of the one-acts and how I'm scared it won't be ready.  See, I figure I'll have this laid-back approach for director, just to see how far my crew can go on their own.  And they're good at following the blocking I have for em and making a few new stuff up themselves, but they're not so great at actually acting it out.  They don't show emotion, and the whole play just seems so....idk.  Plus, I figure for rehearsals, they'd want to get out early, but then Casey Goedde started going off on me for not making rehearsals go til 4:30 since she took off work.  However, I didn't freakin know that our play would only be 5 min.  So I end up going over the play like 3-4 times, which makes it incredibly repetitive.  And one thing I can't really stand is Katelynn Belavitch.  I mean, first I don't like her, and first performance, she took pity on me for some reason cuz I said "If anyone thinks any changes could be made, I'm open to change" she's like "Oh, don't worry, I'm sure you'll be a fine director"  Major pity right there from a person I don't like.  I can't stand that.  Then she starts telling me all this crap about herself that I don't need to know, like the medicine she's taking and that she's going to cut her hair.  It says to tell your director about this stuff in the contract, but no one actually listens to it.  Also, for costumes, I said normal nice clothes.  Apparently everything she has has holes in them, what a ##### >.>  And she got mad at me of all people when Mr. Meyer told me to tell her to spit out her gum.  I even said afterwards that I didn't care if people chewed gum in rehearsal, just not during performance.  So I can't stand her, and I'm just so nervous about the plays.

Now on to Thanksgiving.  My first one was yesterday, and it was simple.  We had the usual turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and whatnot.  It was me, my mom, dad, Laura, Colleen, and Josh.  We had one of those moments where we went around and said what we were thankful for, and it was one of those moments where you know you're thankful for family and whatnot, but you don't want to make corny.  Senior speeches are totally gonna be that way.  So anyway, we had dinner, cleaned up, then there was the awkward moment.  This is when mom, dad, and Josh are watching something on TV I don't like, and Colleen and laura sit there and just talk or look through a magazine.  What I'd like to do is go up and play my game, but then Colleen gets mad that I'd prefer my game to her.  Recently I've found a solution, and that is playing the piano.  I still like it, but it's close enough to the group that I'm still considered taking part.  Eventually we whipped out Scene It and played.  I'm gonna tell ya I hate that game.  It was mostly movies from like early 90's or before I was born, movies I"d never heard of.  I totally lost.  After that we played Pictionary, where I was teamed w/ mom and dad.  They were both rather bad at it, as mom took forever to draw her pics and dad couldn't draw at all.  I love those games though, and things like Cranium are awesome! 

I'd like to say three things that bug me at the current moment of the season.  The first are the commercials.  First there are the jewelry commercials where an entire family is obsessed over the sole fact that a guy went to a specific jewelers to get something.  Screw the diamond ring for proposing, the main thing is the guy went to Kay Jewelers or w/e.  Also, commercials that are stolen off of movies.  There's a world of warcraft one that's ripped off from Office Space.  There's a cell phone one that's ripped off the christmas movie thing (kid's parents are asses, he wants a gun for christmas, goes to santa, santa pushes him down slide, etc.).  Second thing is, anytime you go shopping now, all you ever hear are the cheap immitations of carols.  Instead of hearing the nice original theme to "We Three Men of Orient Are", you get some crap country imitation sung by some no-name ####### who thinks it's perfectly fine to crappitize perfectly good carols.  Chances are if people screw around w/ the songs, it's gonna be country, soul, or jazz.  None of which I particularly care for.  And all of the damned stores must play these crappy imitations, not the good ones!  The third thing is that by now I'm getting in the christmas mood.  Only, it's not as great as it was in the past.  It used to be when I believed in santa, I'd fill out a list that was like 5 pages long of stuff I wanted, there'd be snow on the ground even in early december, we'd go to a family get-together on christmas eve, there'd be a huge ass tree w/ lotsa presents, I'd fall asleep in the car on the way home, we'd read the nativity story together, hang our stockings, stick out cookies, and we'd go to sleep.  That was such a wonderful feeling.  And then waking up was just so amazing, that feeling.  But now, christmas totally sneaks up on us.  I mean, I never really feel christmasy anymore.  It's just like "Oh, there's wrapped boxes under a pine tree, joy..."  First off, there's no snow, which blows!  Second, we don't get a real tree anymore.  It's some cheap plastic one that hurts like hell when you unfurl the branches, and smells like mold.  Then we have so many ornaments for the damned tree it's more of a chore putting them on than it is fun.  Also, of course I don't believe in santa, but even when Laura believed in santa it was kinda fun.  But now she sits there and starts saying how fake santa is just to prove she doesn't believe in him.  She's kinda obnoxious like that.  Family get-togethers on christmas eve are merely reasons to get drunk, and there's no little kids anymore, so my stripper cousin who dresses up like santa every year really has no one to entertain.  And then if there are kids, he makes crappy raunchy jokes just to amuse the drunken relatives.  So help me I'm gonna punch him this year.  I think one of the reasons for this lack of christmas feeling is that stores make it into so much of a buying thing.  They put really no thought into it, just a few wreaths hanging in windows.  But this year at least, Macy's is bringing back these huge christmas displays, which should be really good.  Also, it might snow.

Well, that's pretty much it for now.  Tomorrow is the Thanksgiving family get-together, which will be hell.  My older sister's not coming, and I can't drive since it's so far out, so I'm gonna be there til like 7:00.  Also, my little sister's bringing a friend, so at least she'll have that, and the parents can get drunk.  What do I get to do?  I used to just sit in the car and read (honestly), but parents bitch about that.  I usually just sit there and feign interest at the TV (usually on a sports channel or some crappy comedian.  Or that horrific christmas-eve when I had to watch the Christmas Story marathon over and over.)  So yeah, if I survive, you may see me on monday.  If not, well, you know that I killed myself from sheer boredom over at my aunt's house.  So cya all laters.  Peace!

Currently Listening Closer By Josh Groban You Raise Me Up see related

Emo Forevah!...

So yeah, I recently discovered the wonder that is Josh Groban.  Good lord, Raise Me Up sounds freakin amazing.  So I'ma sing it at Warrior Idol.  He also has another song I like, My December, but I wanted to do Raise Me Up.  Sounds better live though.  Okay, nvm, just found out My December is Linkin Park's CD.  Stupid Josh Groban, you don't steal LP's music!  Still <3 tho.

Anyway, so as the title of course says, I'm just gonna say hell w/ it and go emo forever (emotionally, not physically)  Seriously, this weekend was pretty good.  I mean, I didn't have to do anything strenuous, I even got to freakin xanga.  But now coming back to school on a Monday really made me depresses and pissed off.  I'm serious. 

First off, I get to Christ's class, completely forget to do homework, which I didn't get anyway, so I'm gonna get bad grade on that.  And the crap he teaches is so ridiculously hard!  I mean, this time we're learning about chromosomes and the Punnett squares and whatnot, which I knew the beginning of.  But now that we're getting into like mutations and a bunch of junk, I can't follow. 

Next we get into psych, and somehow I have a B in that class, which angers me, because that stuff is so easy I should be getting an A on it.  I need at least one A in a core class!  Plus dream journals are due tomorrow, and I haven't even started mine cuz I have no clue wth I'm dreaming!

Next was the hour that really pissed me/ made me depressed.  Calculus (figures).  Oster wasn't there today, which is usually a bad thing, cuz then we gotta work problems on our own in class.  So we did this impossibly hard problem that took all hour to get 1/4 of it done.  So yeah, great, I'm gonna fail that class too.  Most definitely gonna drop out at semester. 

But the thing that depressed me was the fact that Sam and Ben are putting on some sort of movie and didn't invite me.  I mean, I'm good friends w/ Sam (since 2nd grade, I was his freakin pen pal when he was in Hawaii).  And Ben I've known for a while, but we kinda drifted apart.  But 1st hour, everyone was talking about a movie that they were being in that Ben and Sam were doing.  I figure "Oh, it's something for STUCO, cool, np"  Then in Calc, I find Garry, Allan Che, Janee, and freakin Sergio, the spanish exchange student, are all in this movie.  Pretty much all my friends except me, the one who is freakin gonna make acting his ####### career!  It just pisses me off that I always get looked over for these things.  I mean, when Sam had his little masquerade party thing, I wasn't invited.  They always do crap and I always get left out of it, and it depresses me more than ever, cuz it's not the first time it's happened.  It's happened all my life, and it makes me think: am I really that worthless?

If you are sitting there thinking "Oh, suck it in, we dont' need to hear it", #### you.  It's my ###### xanga and I'm gonna vent.  But no one seems to hear me when I say something, and when I do, it's like no one cares, or it comes out retarded.  I've never been the life of the party, I've never been particularly funny.  I'm not a lady's man, so what do I have?  Nothing.  My social life is zilch, and it depresses me more than anything because I don't want it to be there.  I want to be remembered for something, most preferably for being funny.  But everything I do comes out awkward.  Even leaving, no one acknowledges me.  So I just think, "Great, another party I'll never be remembered in."  In pictures, you won't find me.  Oh sure, you'll find annoying ######## like Jake Bostic, who shoves his way into everything, but never me.  Never.

So there you go.  There's my emo rant for the day.  I would really just rather stay in my room all my life, unfortunately I can't do that.  So instead I've gotta tumble through life, one embarrassing and awkward moment at a time.  Great...